Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize