you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
