are you still at the devil's house?
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
