God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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