Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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