ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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