my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
