I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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