This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
