I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
