he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
