uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
