i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
