I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
