if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
