Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
