i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
