Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
