I could make wine with my vomit
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize