I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
