Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
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