I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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