Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
