She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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