Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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