I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
