Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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