he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
