I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
