Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
why do cheetos always look like penises
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Randomize
