He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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