apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
