The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
