She's like a pop up book from hell.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
