I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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