I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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