WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
