Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
