Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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