Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
