Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I cut my penus on the lid.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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