so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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