I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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