Cold hands, warm shart.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
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