I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Randomize
