Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
