okay pat passed out under dana's car
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
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