i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize
