I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Randomize
