Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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