I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
