if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
Randomize
