You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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