my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
