Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
