Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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