she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
