So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
