I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
