Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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