So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
