Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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