Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
