omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
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