That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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