you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
