i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
