Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
