so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
