so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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