Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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