I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
