opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
