My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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