Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
True strength comes from lack of pants
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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